Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
