I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
