I'm pants shitting drunk right now
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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