you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
