I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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