I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My dad is sitting where you rode me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
