It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
