My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
