I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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