I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
