my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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