UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
