The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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