Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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