I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
