Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
