I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize
