How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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