Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Drunk is a universal language darling
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
