I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
