What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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