I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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