i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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