man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
