Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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