i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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