My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
