something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
