there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
