So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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