i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
