Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
and she was petting her beer can
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
