Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
