I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
