y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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