did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My balls are so social today.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
