At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
