Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
