my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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