Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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