the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
im holly from the hills drunk
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
