walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
