my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
