I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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