everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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