So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
