i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
