I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
