remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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