I hate all girls vehemently.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
