I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
