dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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