watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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