love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
